


Stummer Schrei Nach Liebe

by MystericaEngland (MystericasMercy)



Series: Blueberries and Plums [6]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel 616/MCU Hybrid, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Language of Flowers, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Tony Stark, Pre-Slash, Side Story, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 16:05:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7445353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MystericasMercy/pseuds/MystericaEngland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony had heard about it in fleeting tongues when he was younger; talk about soulmates, and how some were gifted with marks that would guide them to theirs. Of course nobody believed in that, and, being a Stark, Tony didn't feel the need to, either. That was until his 18th birthday, when a red poppy appeared on his left shoulder, and Tony couldn't help but wonder if the stories were true after all. No one ever heard about Bucky's mark on his left shoulder, not even Steve. He only would have given him the sad puppy eyes anyway, so there was never much point in telling him. Bucky knew that the disappearance of his flower meant that his soulmate must have died already; perhaps it wouldn't really matter, then, if he fell during the war as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stummer Schrei Nach Liebe

**Author's Note:**

> The title is based on a German song called "Cry for Love" (which I only found out is a song against Nazis as I wrote this, which, really, seemed ironic considering HYDRA) by die Ärzte. As always, this fic was written way past midnight, so I am so sorry about it's quality... and about how I showed off with my language knowledge. It just kind of happened, I guess. Translations can be found by looking at the respective endnotes - yes, I know, they sadly don't work.  
>   
> This fic is based on this art: http://beir.tumblr.com/post/146890640018/im-fine-it-always-hurts  
> It will have some relevance in future fics in the series, but, once again, it is merely an AU in the blueberries and plums series.  
>   
> Note about the soulmates part: Soulmates are a known thing within society but never truly spoken about, as they are very rare, and no one truly believes in them anymore.

 

Tony had heard about it in fleeting tongues when he was younger; talk about soulmates, and how some were gifted with marks that would guide them to theirs. Of course nobody believed in that, and, being a Stark, Tony didn't feel the need to, either. That was until his 18th birthday, when a red poppy appeared on his left shoulder, and Tony couldn't help but wonder if the stories were true after all. Of course it was just his luck that the mark disappeared again, just a few moments after it had appeared in the first place. The spot was still warm and tingling, but there was no flower left, and as time passed, Tony had all but forgotten about the stories. After all, soulmates were a concept, nothing you could prove by science; a sentimental thing without any purpose.

 

No one ever heard about Bucky's mark on his left shoulder, not even Steve. He only would have given him the sad puppy eyes anyway, so there was never much point in telling him. Bucky knew that the disappearance of his flower meant that his soulmate must have died already; perhaps it wouldn't really matter, then, if he fell during the war as well. So when Bucky had lost the flower just mere moments after it appeared, he swore to himself that he would join the fight and win the war – so no one would have to lose their loved ones anymore.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Tony felt unease when he allowed Steve to bring his best friend, his brother in all but blood, to the tower; there were things about Barnes that he knew from his childhood and didn't want to bring up, and then there were things about Barnes that he knew from recent and not-so-recent history that he didn't want to think about. HYDRA was just one of those things, really; a part of him couldn't help but seeing the murderer of his parents, no matter how unloved he felt by Howard, no matter how little attention his mother was able to give him (he loved her either way). And he knew it was wrong, he knew he shouldn't think that way, that Barnes didn't deserve to be judged for something out of his own hands, but when Steve completely ignored all his friend's faults, Tony couldn't help but notice them. At least until he saw the way the other man looked at him; his eyes were filled with sorrow, resignation, fear. Bucky was afraid of Tony's hatred towards him; _because he remembers_ , Tony's brain filled in, _probably every single one of them_. Well, that was more than Tony had going for him, really. He didn't even know how many innocent lives he ended; which is why he extended his hand, put on his best camera smile, and removed the sunglasses he had put on in order to hide his emotions, looking the other straight into the eyes as he introduced himself properly. If Barnes paid attention, he would see that there was no hatred inside of Tony's eyes, no fear; things weren't fine, maybe they would never be, but Tony wasn't one to put the blame on a victim. _Look at my eyes, Barnes, and you'll see me being magnanimous; it's going to calm down and get easier, eventually_.

 

That was when he noticed something else; something he should've taken into consideration much earlier: the Winter Soldier's metal arm. Sure, its technology made his heart beat faster – but his heart was also what made him understand Barnes' probable feelings towards the arm as well. Tony understood what it's like to get physically modified without giving consent, understood what it was like to wake up in pain, in fear of dying, and noticing something changed on your body. After the handshake, he almost reflexively put his hand on his arc reactor, tapping on it a few times, as if to ensure himself it was still there, while using his other hand to put the sunglasses back in place; he really didn't want Captain Careful's friend to get the wrong idea and fear it was due to him personally. Clasping his hand on the man's arm, he nodded and commented, with a smirk: “Well then, Serenity, I'll be seeing you on one of the upcoming movie nights, or whenever you feel comfortable to get a check up on that arm. I'll ensure you've got free access to my shop at any point until the first check-up has been done. Until then, I've got to work.” And off he went.

 

They didn't get that far, however. As soon as Barnes had been on his own, finally left alone by his personal mother hen, he managed to get himself all worked up; over and over again, he repeated the words “I'm sorry” and was cowering in a corner, looking incredibly small for such a tall and muscular man as him. Tony slowly and carefully approached him, trying not to startle the man in shock, but it was no use; FRIDAY already informed him that it was time for him to make a retreat to safety; there was no way Tony would be able to fight a super soldier without his suit. But he wouldn't fight him in any way. The man had been triggered, sure, but any violence that would follow this would not be his own choice, and Barnes probably feared punishment for his actions even more so in this state than before; after all, that was how they had managed to control his mind and manipulate him psychologically for decades.

 

Taking a deep breath, and only covering his hands in gauntlets for absolute emergencies, Tony braced himself for anything that would follow. One blow, another, an attempt to shoot him with the gun the genius had allowed Barnes to keep, a gun that was meant to give Barnes a feeling of safety and familiarity. But that wasn't the Winter Soldier fighting, not really; Barnes was holding his other self back, no matter how much he was dissociating at the moment, which only spoke for him. “Soldier!” Tony shouted, and Barnes stilled for just the split of a second, which was enough for Tony to push the man down. “Do you know who I am, Sergeant?”

 

“Я до сих пор о тебе не забыл.”1

 

Russian. Go figures. He may be enough of Barnes to keep himself from truly fighting Tony, but it wasn't enough to keep the Soldier programming down. Tony decided to test his programming theory and responded in German instead. “Diese Gewalt, die ist doch nur ein stummer Schrei nach Liebe, James. Du hast nur verlernt dich zu artikulieren; deswegen musst du noch doch noch lange nicht deinen Selbsthass auf andere projezieren.”2 James blinked once, twice, and then just stared. His eyes returned back to life slowly, then, he winced up in pain, trying to hide his discomfort despite being straddled down by Tony and having thus no way to escape the man's gaze, which practically bore into his shoulder. Bucky wanted to gently push him away, but it was no use; because the genius was already tearing his shirt apart and inspecting the arm, whistling with a thoughtful expression on his face. “You're in pain,” Tony needlessly observed, though the immediate response he received could have been one of his own. “I'm fine.”

 

“No, you're _not_ fine. It _always_ hurts, doesn't it? Let me help you. Let me fix this.” It was in that moment that Bucky realised how much Tony cared for the first time; it was also the moment he heard the unspoken 'because I don't know how to fix anything else' in Tony's words; the moment he was faced with the fact that Anthony Edward Stark would blame himself for something out of his own hands, humiliating himself in the process. He could've been stubborn and refused him, but the desperation to do something right in the other's eyes were enough to tell him to let the man do his work. And so, Bucky nodded and left Tony to work. At first he just made smaller upgrades, ensured that Bucky's arm would work properly, and unnecessary parts would be removed or replaced with lighter parts. Soon enough, he assassin felt less pain in his shoulder than he previously had.

 

And he could've left it at that, of course. He only had to attend the most relevant maintenance sessions with Tony in his lab, after all, but something told him that the genius didn't enjoy the solitude nearly as much as the rest of the team seemed to think, which is why Bucky decided to come down more often than strictly necessary, careful not to get into the genius' space, while also occasionally daring to ask questions; Tony always explained everything he was working on when he was working on the arm, sure, but Bucky found a much wider interest in the man's work in general. And soon enough, Tony would show him how to make his own repairs on the arm; whenever he would upgrade it and make it even lighter than before in an attempt to ease at least the pain of one of them, he would also explain what to do in an emergency, and would provide Bucky with a new set of tools specifically for the new upgrade; or so Tony told him; in truth, Bucky was well aware that this was Tony's way of presenting him with something useful, Tony's way of showing his care towards Bucky.

 

That was why on Veterans Day, he decided to gift Tony with something he considered necessary; poppies, to account for Tony's loss. He hoped for the peace of his parents after death, and for a remembrance of them, despite his own reluctancy towards Howard; not to mention that he simply hoped to console Tony after everything that had happened. What he hadn't expected was Tony gaping at him in disbelief, and his nervous twitch as he asked FRIDAY about the possible meaning behind this; hearing her explanation, he immediately calmed down and carefully smiled at Bucky, telling him that he's long forgiven him for what happened, which led his smile to finally turn genuine. It was said smile that led the former assassin to ask Tony whether or not he would know anything he could do as his new hobby, suggesting making jams and jellies as a joke, while secretly hoping for Tony to give him something to do near the workshop. He didn't exactly expect the other Avenger to allow him to work on his cars, bikes, and old suits, however; a sign of trust Bucky greatly appreciated.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was the middle of the night when James was woken up by a distressed sounding redhead AI. FRIDAY was in front of him, informing him that her creator was having a strong case of an an anxiety attack that led his breathing to be uneven and his chest to become so painfully tight that he would pass out if it carried on any longer. James didn't have time to think any longer about the possible implications of him being the first person to get contacted in such a case and immediately went off to get to Tones, carefully grabbing him by the shoulders and making the smaller man look into his eyes as he breathed in deeply and made the other match his own breathing. It took him quite a while to find some calm again, and after several minutes, he all but collapsed against James' chest. Where he had previously clutched his chest in pain, he now had is hand sprawled open and was breathing as calmly as he could, given the circumstances. And after some time, he began talking. Tony was speaking of space, and how he had found himself in it again, alone. It was cold, he wasn't able to reach anyone, and slowly, as the pain in his chest grew, so did red flowers. They got bigger and bigger with every breath, and when Tony felt himself unable to take it anymore, he began ripping them out, damaging his skin tissue and arc reactor in the process. It hurt. It hurt like hell. It was agonising and nothing could stop it; not even the flowers falling to the ground.

 

Nothing but James' soothing presence. He picked his exhausted teammate up and carried him back to bed, lying down with him in his arms as he began to sing a quiet French song, attempting to ease the other to sleep. “Moi je n'étais rien et voilà qu'aujourd'hui, je suis le gardien du sommeil de ses nuits. Je l'aime à mourir. Vous pouvez détruire tout ce qu'il vous plaira. Il n'a qu'à ouvrir l'espace de son bras pour tout reconstruire. Je l'aime à mourir. Il a dû faire toutes les guerres pour être si forte aujourd'hui. Il a dû faire toutes les guerres de la vie et l'amour aussi.”3 Even a genius mind like Tony's couldn't overthink this situation any further, because soon enough, he found himself drifting off to sleep, standing in a field, surrounded by nothing but the most beautiful petunias possible. When he woke, James was gone, and only the meaning of the flower was left in his mind: resentment, anger. Tony must have done something wrong. But what? He thought and thought about it, his chest feeling heavier and heavier, as if the constant pain he felt wasn't reminder enough of his mess-ups, as he recalled their last public meeting. James had to come to Tony's rescue.

 

 

“ _I assure you, Tony Stark is a courageous man capable of taking responsibility for his actions. Time and time again he showed perseverance even in the hardest times in his life, doing what has to be done in order to stave off something much worse and accepting the figurative and literal beatings he got in return. Tony Stark gives justice to the voiceless, gave justice to me, and shut down his family business' original work the second he realised what his weapons were truly capable of in the wrong hands. You try to tell me that this man is a villain? He may call himself Iron Man, but deep inside he is a soft-hearted and vulnerable man that only tries to do what's right. Stand down, and leave him be.”_

 

That was it, though, wasn't it? Tony shouldn't have needed him to protect his honour, should have been able to speak up for himself and not be a bother to the rest of the team. What made matters worse was that when Tony asked James whether or not he liked him, the man didn't respond and grew eerily silent. It wasn't until the genius' face flickered with a pained resignation that the other's expression shifted, but it was too late, Tony already went off despite James' call of his name. That night, the war-veteran didn't sleep well. He had long since been well-aware of his feelings towards Tony, had figured it out once he desperately wanted to remain near him during work, wanted to ensure that Tony, too, would be eased from his pain, but he couldn't tell him, not yet.

 

It came to no surprise to him that he was now dreaming of the man he loved, either. He was surrounded by ice and mist, and as he looked down, he saw Tony's lifeless body in the ground. He wanted to reach out for him and shake him, see if he's still alive, breathing, but his arm didn't move. When he glanced at it, he saw the blue flowers again, growing through the cracks of his metal arm, spilling out of it, unable to be contained, much like the pain he knew they both felt. He was immobilised and it was damn near causing him to panic – but a gentle touch, too real to be only a dream, let the panic fade before it could even manifest. The ice in front of him began to melt as petunias started to grow and surround the man on the ground; a soft tune was sung by someone nearby. “Halt dich an mir fest, wenn du nichtmehr weiter weisst. Ich kann dich verstehen.”4

 

When James finally opened his eyes, he found himself being cradled by Tony, who gently ran his fingers through his hair, smiling softly at him before changing his posture and expression, immediately apologising for being the one to James' room without Sam or Steve having been contacted before him. James, however, just took one of the smaller man's hands, pulled it to his lips, and assured him that he's been soothed by Tony's presence – which brought an unreadable expression to the genius' face and a silent curse. Bucky didn't know it immediately, but this would be the moment in which Tony came to realise he had feelings for Bucky as well, and so, he escaped.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Three days later, Bucky finally made his way down to Tony's workshop, only to find himself locked out of it, which had never occurred before. Tony might have locked the others out, sure, but never Bucky. He didn't leave. He decided to wait until the doors would be opened to him again, or until FRIDAY would take Tony's possible sleep-deprivation as a reason to let Bucky enter the room. Neither of which would be the case, in the end. Inside the shop, Tony had been growing forget-me-nots; he found them to be quite the ironic plant, considering the myth surrounding them. According to legend, two lovers would walk along the Danube river, and upon the attempt of one of them to retrieve the flower, they would be swept away by the river, telling the other never to forget them as they floated away. On one hand, Tony thought about how Bucky had fallen and Steve made sure never to forget his best friend; but on the other hand, Tony was reminded of his own fall; figuratively for Bucky, and literally when attempting to save New York.

 

And suddenly, he was in space again, incapable of breathing, with the arc reactor sitting heavily in his chest, pushing against his organs, making each breath more and more difficult; then, he was back in Afghanistan, his head held under water, lungs filling with ice cold liquid, and him frantically trying to get air back into him. Someone grabbed him by the shoulders, but Tony couldn't see who it was. He tried to bat him away, trembling in their touch, hitting the other again and again in an attempt to escape the scorching touch, but eventually, he had to give up, it was no use. He was motionless in the other's arm, not daring to look up at whoever had decided to attempt to get him out of his madness of the moment; which is why he flinched when an all-too-familiar voice addressed his newest flowery obsession. “Ah, about those. Some of them are for you; y'know, in an attempt to ensure you wouldn't forget me.”

 

“Я до сих пор о тебе не забыл.”1 Bucky answered once again in Russian, mirroring their first truly important conversation, but carrying on nonetheless. “Как разорвать мне этот круг? Ну что ты сделала со мной? Пусть ты не знаешь, тебя я люблю. Я от тебя схожу с ума, А ты не хочешь понимать, Что сердце пламенем горит. Почему ты не любишь меня, Антошка?”5 He thought it was as good a moment as any to confess his feelings – what he hadn't expected was the shift in Tony's expression. Tony understood. Of course he did. Bucky had a vague memory of having read that Tony and him understood the same languages, but he never connected the dots – not until now. Not until the billionaire said: “Давно решил, что не влюблюсь я больше никогда, И тут, явилась ты, Баки. Радостно мне, когда счастлива ты, Лишь о тебе, берегу я мечты,”6 with a pained expression, moving to leave.

 

“Antoshka, I love you!”

 

Tony stared at him with wide eyes, then laughed bitterly. “Yeah, well, I'd rather not delve into this... as I have a rather bad track record when it comes to dating, and as it turns out, you must be my soulmate, while I'm not yours. Fantastic, isn't it? Those damn poppies...” He didn't get to finish, though. Before he could say any more, Bucky's lips were pressed on his and two hands reached out to cup his face. “Those forget-me-nots, I've had them on my shoulder. I've dreamt about them, too, and then there was you, hurt; I wanted to reach out to you but couldn't; the pain increased in my arm, I felt like I was going to cry out in pain; but you got me back. You always got me back, Antoshka. こんな最低の暮らしで行き場もない時にあなたは現れた。”7

 

He kissed him again, and again, keeping him from asking any questions that may cast doubt on things. When he finally stopped, Tony's mind was finally able to catch up on everything. He figured out that Steve didn't know anything about the mark as it had disappeared due to Tony being in the wrong time, while Tony's mark disappeared due to Bucky's lost arm. He figured out that the petunias in their dreams meant that they are a soothing presence to each other, and that they only took the best parts out of their respective flowers; for Tony, it was peace and a deep and passionate love; for Bucky, it was a connection that would last throughout time, and the truth and adamance of their feelings towards each other. The purple petunias were just a sign of their flowers finally coming together and forming a new bond; forming their soul bond; and upon that realisation, they kissed again.

 

This time, it was sweet and gentle and left them both with a tingling sensation in their arms, literally and figuratively, with their whole bodies heating up. Petunias would be a sign of their love from this day on, and they would each get a tattoo on their wrists in order to once more show their connection to the world, this time for real, forever. But their relationship was formed through more than just fate; it was the deep care they felt towards each other even before their recognition of the facts; the way they both worried over the other's pain, the way they both ensured that the other went through as little harm as possible, the way their chemistry simply matched. And if they both had the same dream that night, well, that wasn't something that could be explained by science, and not something that mattered in their love. Because as sweet as a connection between their wrists through a petunia vine may have been, nothing could compare to the way they were truly connected; shared pain, shared love, shared fights, and shared friends. In the end, they were willing to share everything with each other; even the rest of their lives.

 

1\. I haven't forgotten about you yet.↩

2\. This violence is only a silent cry for love, James. You've just forgotten how to articulate yourself, that doesn't mean you're allowed to project your self-hatred onto others.↩

3\. I used to be noting, but here I am tonight, watching over his sleep. I love him to death. You can destroy anything you want; he merely has to open his arms to rebuild everything. I love him so much I could die. He must have fought all wars to be this strong today. He must have gone through all the wars of life and love, too.↩

4\. Hold onto me when you don't know how to go on. I can understand you.↩

5\. How do I break this cycle? Just what have you done to me? I guess you don't know that I love you and I am going crazy for you, while you don't want to understand that my heart is a burning flame. Why don't you love me, Antoshka?↩

6\. I decided a long time ago that I'd never fall in love again, but then you appeared, Bucky. I am happy when you're happy, and because of that, I'll keep you only in my dreams.↩

7\. You were there when it felt like I had nowhere else to go in life.↩

**Author's Note:**

> Got any prompts? Message me on tumblr!  
> http://mystericaengland.tumblr.com/ask  
>   
> The songs:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yh8ufcjoctA  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMZVtFCU0ZQ  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCcJuN47UcY  
>   
> Thanks for reading!


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